an unctuous evil lurks unnoticed in the make-up aisles of supermarkets everywhere. it is a viciously addictive substance, often causing its abusers/worshippers to perform hideous ritualistic acts or violently accost bystanders just for one thin, slimy layer of the sweet poison. slick, lip-smack, or just plain chapstick --could you be a junkie, too?

how do you know if you are a chapstick junkie?
look for these signs to see if you are at risk...
  1. you go through chapsticks faster than kindergartners go through elmer's paste.
  2. when your lips aren't slicked you feel like you might as well eat paste.
  3. when you were a kid you didn't eat paste because you had something better.
  4. you leave chapsticks all over your home so that you will always have one within reach.
  5. you still manage to run out.
  6. you can hold out for at least 30 minutes about the maliciously addictive power, poor flavor, nasty chemical composition, etc. of carmex, using examples and visual aids if necessary.
  7. in a pinch, you'll use it anyways.
  8. you start using only one flavor when you acquire a new love interest, so that when it ends badly the experience won't spoil your whole collection.
  9. you have ever interrupted a perhaps-too-passionate kiss to reapply, because "it was just driving [me] insane."
  10. you have ever woken up to find teeth marks in your under-pillow chapstick, with no recollection of how they could have gotten there.
  11. you wake up to reapply.
  12. you have ever made a chapstick suicide by mixing flavors.
  13. people buy you chapstick as a surefire appeasement.
  14. you believe there is a technique to application, and have spent delicious hours trying to figure out how to use your chapstick in such a way that it is sculpted to a special, unique shape by your lips.
  15. you are frequently involved in sometimes heated debates over such topics as the quality of avon's chapstick versus clinique's, which conversations, though they may seem trivial to normal people, leave you feeling like a more complete person, somehow.
  16. you have been using bonne belle so long you can tell when the formula changes/recommend flavors based on taste and texture/recognize the evil capitalist pattern of "special holiday flavors" and buy all of them anyway.
  17. using one flavor of chapstick after a long reprieve reminds you of "back in the day..."
  18. when you go to a giant superstore, such as meijer's or walmart, you spend most of your time in the store in the chapstick aisle drooling on the huge selection.
  19. you have fits that make you willing to risk life and limb to apply chapstick--thank whatever they've finally come out with keychain chapstick so you don't have to swerve all over the road trying to dig it out of your pocket to get a fix while driving.
  20. people you don't know have actually commented on or commended your chapstick acuity.
  21. you have converted at least 10 people with your addictive ways
  22. your significant other never has to buy or, for that matter, actually apply any.
  23. you spend an inordinate amount of time making webpages and/or other propaganda devoted to lip balm and you are not employed by [insert company name here].

most chapstick junkies are created at a very young age by the unfortunate complacency of their parents. unaware of the child's addictive personality and voracious capacity for sweets, many parents innocently introduce chapstick as a regular part of winter playtime--an accepted habit with sometimes tragic results.

being a chapstick addict is not an automatic sentence to failure, however. many lip balm junkies have gone on to become successful, functional, almost normal persons after learning to live in peace with their 0.14-oz.- petroleum-based problem. while becoming a slave to a little tube of shiny-smooth happiness might not be every child's dream, you could do worse. at least your lips will always look perfect, because carcinogens are only visible from the inside.

if you are a chapstick junkie or know someone who is, it is important to realize that you are not alone in this dry, cruel world. feel free to write me with your own special chapstick stories. i'm not going to post sob stories or anything, but it would bring joy to my slippery existence to know that someone else gets a kick out of this too. anyone? please?

lip balm anonymous
smack faq
article about addiction