my name is sara, and i am addicted to chapstick.

here are some reviews of chapstick products that my recent flushness has allowed me to indulge in.

i'm doing this in a scale of kisses, just because i can. five kisses is the best.


coconut cream
yum! i mean, weird, like kissing a tube of sunscreen, and an odd format with dial near the cap instead of at the bottom, which makes it easier to apply one-handed. takes a second to warm up and then is nicely smooth. it tastes exactly like summer, which i guess means i'll be sick of it by august. but for the moment...

pineapple quench
my mother used to make "salads" for family picnics, where she'd combine things seemingly at random--jello, mini-marshmallows, canned mandarin oranges, cottage cheese, crushed pineapple, etc. the more kids and less time she had to prepare it, the weirder and more disturbing the additions to this dish became, until one day, she hit rock bottom, melted the jello molds in the bottom rack of the dishwasher, and swore off experimental gelatin foods in favor of cheap wine and salads purchased at a deli. i've only recently given up trying to understand the jello salad, and moved on to acceptance and forgiveness. that is what this lip balm reminds me of. a nice pineapple scent, sure, but there are pieces of fibrous fruit in the lip balm itself. that's just wrong. and weird. and incomprehensible. this chapstick hurts my feelings. i am feeling pretty bad right now.


lip tint - 350/berry
a reader wrote to warn me against trying this, but it was unfortunately already too late. this little beast is lipstick disguised as lipbalm. grainy, with a stale flavor. but it is vegan! and tolerable for the pretty tint, if you apply another chapstick first to improve the texture, and again after to disguise the taste. essentially this blows. and, it's expensive to boot.:\ not recommended.


autumn comfort lip balm, caramel apple
so i guess avon is pretty animal-friendly, which is surprising. i've never actually bought avon chapstick, and whenever it falls fortuitously into my hands it's always good. the texture is very nice, and in this case the flavor is lovely, if a bit too strong. it probably has to be strong to distract the user from accidentally reading the frankly frightening list of ingredients, which covers over half the surface area of the tube.

bath and body works

tutti dolci lip gloss, lemon meringue
this was free with a promotional coupon, but normally it is $10. it is too sticky and makes me feel like i'm sitting around with a strawberry shortcake doll hanging out of my mouth. wasn't there a doll named lemon meringue? they nailed the plastic scented doll thing but not actual lemon or meringue at all. also it comes in a squeezy format. no kisses.

the body shop

mango lip butter
ah, nostalgia. that is the main appeal. comes in a little pot which seems like it should be refrigerated. a great scent, not overpowering in use. a little dry and waxy for being so melty. decent, messy, tasty. it tastes like high school.

bonne bell

honey kiss
much like the real thing (honey, not kisses [i hope!]), it is expensive and sticky. smells like honey and has honey-ish texture, which might appeal to people who like to eat cosmetics. shiny. works nicely in combination with a less sticky type, which is silly since this is expensive.

splash n' shine, smooth vanilla
like smearing frosting on your lips, except in smooth chapstick form. a little too melty, rubs off easily. i went through this tube at record speed. yum, but really sugary, almost residue-forming (possibly from excessive application).

starburst cherry
perfect texture. slightly too slick and rubs off sort of easily. but otherwise heavenly. tastes just like starburst candy, which is great since i can't eat those due to animal ingredients (not having same compunction re: lip gloss, obviously). also tried: starburst strawberry. similarly amazing, but as with the candy, cherry is better. slightly too sweet, though, and thus:

three pack: strawberry cheesecake, 2000 cookies, berry jelly donut
strawberry cheesecake is a sort of gross, cheesy dilution of the bonne bell standby, strawberry. 2000 cookies is very good, the best in this pack, mildly cookie-dough flavored. berry jelly donut grew on me, but not in an alarming way. texture was okay, better than all other glittery chapsticks by this brand (and that is, sadly, an informed opinion). not worth the expense.

burt's bees

lip shimmer - rhubarb
i am biased against chapsticks that burn, though this also freezes and thus is milder than most. i've also been biased against burt's bees because they are inescapable. i'm surprised they don't have a display in my living room yet. still, this is reasonable. the flavor is like rubbing mint gum on your mouth, and makes your lips silmutaneously hot and cold, but the texture is A-OK and the tint is pretty. so i guess that's worth something. i kind of want to see about getting a chapstick display for my living room.


grapefruit and honey organic lip treatment
i just bought this one tonight. the mild flavor is not remotely like grapefruit or honey, and actually reminds me of a bitter reconstituted citrus beverage my dad used to make us drink for vitamins when we were little. the texture is nice, but it rubs away too quickly. i might be biased against it, as this was a comfort purchase gone awry, and i obviously am having YET ANOTHER BAD FUCKING NIGHT when i could have used a nice soothing balm for my lips if not for my SOUL. instead, i just blew three dollars, my lips are chapped, and my life is still STUPID, so stupid that i am updating only the chapstick portion of my site. there is a chapstick portion. of my website.

lalebeth ganache for lips

cocoa peppermint
if you don't mind coating your lips with expensive gourmet dark chocolate without having to worry about sugar and calories, this is the best chapstick ever invented. the mint is not overpowering and the texture is perfect, but who cares? it satisfies chocolate cravings. this is sound science and i approve.

lemon mousse
yum! the flavor is a little over the top, but lalebeth's texture is so perfect that i can put up with it. this is good for applying under other chapsticks. i feel like such a dork whenever i have to mention that i do that, but there it is. i am willing to let my pride take a backseat to your informed chapstick-purchasing decisions. don't you feel special?

merry hempsters

ouch! jesus! it burns! who the hell would want to put hot cinnamon chapstick on their lips!? fucking fuck. never again. my addiction-weakened lips can't take this torment. maybe this would be good for sick people who like using medicated chapstick. masochists also might be into this. for me it was traumatizing. it would make an appropriate gift for your nemesis ("gift" in the german sense of the word).
no kisses for you, evil cinnamon chapstick!


kiss me
i was really enamoured of this when i first bought it. the texture was perfect, the adorable instructions involve kissing, and it had a mild, pleasant flavor. it was slightly petroleum-ish, and my hair stuck to my lips, so i started only wearing it to bed, and later not at all. now it is sort of solidifying and gross. i haven't tossed it yet because i still remember the good times (and it cost $10). also, i don't have room or time to complain about format, but i am a .14 oz tube purist. what really kills this one is the fact that you have to apply it with your fingers, which is wrong on many levels (in my opinion). but it is a very nice lip balm, nonetheless. maybe we can still be friends.

sun dog

hemp lip balm, orange ginger
this might be the perfect chapstick. this one is vegan and tastes very mildly of orange and ginger and hemp. the texture is smooth without being too waxy or too liquid, and it lasts a long while.