| ASK | ATTENTION: you once could submit questions by clicking the word ASK (at left). we have just migrated to a new server and need to learn about making our own fun forms. please be patient while we work on once again allowing you to submit your questions through the webform. you will not have to provide real identifying information. once this is working again, your question will be posted here publicly at our discretion, unless you request otherwise. |
| Prior correspondences: | |
| Passerines, | While writing 'A Field Guide to the Birds of the West Indies', I heard from a friend of your small flock. Entranced by your dulcet calls, I shall be sure to include mention of you in the event I write a North American companion volume. But shall I list your colony as endangered? Or extinct? Please let me know if a modest conservationist such as myself can help. - J. Bond, Philadelphia, 1938 |
| Dear Mr. Bond, Though sightings are rare, our colony is in fact flourishing, albeit on a modest scale. Not all species seek to conquer the whole Earth at once; we are content and proud of our current range and population. We fear that one of our number will need to migrate east for personal reasons as the weather grows colder. But we do not consider this a change that will put us in any acute danger, and we seriously doubt it will drive us to extinction. If you do plan to describe us in any future volume, please list our colony as, "Evolving but Confident" until further notice. Thank you for your interest and concern, Gabe | |
| Hello Help, | sometimes the pressure of being in a band can be so immense that i wonder whether it is worth it. people whine at you for not writing enough songs, hogging all the whiskey in rehearsals, getting "all up in [their] face[s]," smashing their drumkits apart with 5lb sledge hammers, pissing out the window of the van with poor aim, etc. i feel like they're laying their hangups on ME. is there anything i can do to make the experience more pleasant? I AM AT MY WIT'S END! sincerely, Jacob Jambetter ps- nice bird |
| dear jacob, i always find that unpleasant situations can be made more pleasant with cupcakes. maybe you should try baking some cupcakes for your bandmates. sincerely, emily | |
| Dear Passerines, |
I've heard that when out on the town with a lady, a man should always walk on the curbside of the sidewalk so that if an automobile were to strike a puddle in the gutter and drive water up onto the walk, she would be protected. This is all well and good, but what is a man to do when he and his date come to the end of a block and need to turn and cross the street along which they had been walking? If the two do not reconfigure themselves the man inevitably ends up on the inside of the walk! What is the proper way for a man to maneuver himself in this peculiar situation? Should he pass in front of or behind her? Should he excuse himself as he does so? Should the change of position occur before the street has been crossed, or after a couple has alighted safely on the opposite side? Yours, Perplexed in Piketon |
| Dear PiP, in this situation, ideally you would be spreading your cape on the crosswalk for her to walk over, or at least pretending to spread your imaginary cape if you have forgotten to wear your real one. this activity should allow you to smoothly and subtly resume your curbside position regardless of what direction the two of you are turning. but maybe what you should really do is be straightfoward about what you're up to. you don't open doors or pull out her chair for her under the pretext of doing something else. why all the sneakery, PiP? what do you have to hide? anyway. if you are into babying your dates, an alternative to this sidewalk agonizing would be to take out ladies who are into puddle-jumping. we think that would be more fun anyway. thank you for the questions! Respectfully, Sara | |
| Dearest Passeriformes, | I will be attending a formal tomorrow evening Unaccompanied by a Ms. Myrna Minkoff. What should I wear to impress the ladies? Plaid or polka dots? Cordially, Ignatius Reilly |
| Dear Mr. Reilly, The key to impressing the ladies isn't what pattern you wear, but how you wear it. We therefore suggest wearing both, in fine fabrics, and well tailored. You would also do well to spend an evening memorizing the venerable romantic text How To Find Love In Unlikely Places: The Well-Bred Gentleman's Book Of Naughty Phrases (Vol. 4), available at your local gourmet kitchen appliances boutique and in the gift shops of many fine hotels. For further reference, listen to "Annie Doesn't Live Here Anymore." We recommend the Eartha Kitt rendition. Good luck! Sincerely, The Passerines | |
| Dear Passerines, | Recently I wrote you a question, but no one responded. What the hell kind of crappy band advice webpage is this??? Sincerely, A Fan |
Dear A Fan, Here at The Passerines website, we are very fond of birds. Sincerely, Sara | |
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